A film by Fyodor Ovchinnikov · 2026
I’ve been preparing for this for nine months. For the past few days, I’ve been living with the thrilling sensation that the natural, familiar, and understandable flow of my life is about to be disrupted, and I will find myself in a completely different reality. The day after tomorrow, I will be sleeping in a chum, a raw-hide tent, and will spend the next 120 days in the tundra with a family of Nenets reindeer herders.
Just a few months ago, while falling asleep in my warm, soft bed, I started to be momentarily seized by horror at the thought that I would be spending the next four months sleeping in the cold and would have to forget about warm showers. I don’t know why these feelings came to me just before bedtime, but by morning they were gone.
Recently, I started playing the ancient game of Go. Its key feature is the enormous variability of moves. At the beginning of the game, when the board is empty, you can place your stones anywhere. But by the endgame, when there is little free space left, your options become limited. And the most interesting thing is that your final position is determined by your first moves, which might have been made quite randomly, and nothing can be changed anymore.
Is our life like the game of Go? Can we somehow break the chains of events and circumstances that define and shape our lives?
As a child, I read a book about Genghis Khan, To the Last Sea. And I was struck to the core by the thought that one could spend one’s entire life moving toward an incredible, breathtaking goal — a kind of endless, boundless movement forward to conquer the whole vast world. But at a certain point I realized that I was journeying to the wrong sea. Now I’m heading for the Kara Sea.)
The shock of transitioning into a different reality — that’s how I felt on my first archaeological expedition back in 11th grade, where I ended up as a city smart boy. I woke up in the middle of the night. I’m in a chum. I can see my own breath. A wave of shock hit me. Horror coursed through my body. Five months of this await me.
I’m thinking about one’s attitude toward risk. In the tundra, you are responsible for yourself, and no one else. The day before yesterday, Artyom picked me up on the Salekhard-Nadym highway. He appeared out of the darkness. Out of some wild cold darkness. For a moment, I was terrified that I was going to go there. For a long time. I got on the snowmobile behind Artyom and we raced off. The shaking was violent. At first, I almost fell off, then I almost got hit on the head by a tree. You must think with your own head.
During my first days in the chum, I came to understand that time posed a real challenge. With the cold outside, you’re forced to find ways to occupy yourself within the tent. It quickly became clear: I couldn’t rely on my usual distractions. I have to just be with myself.
I’m here with Grandpa Vasya and little Vova; Mama Nadya isn’t coming. They’ve gone to Nadym. And they’re staying there overnight. Blizzard. Everything is loose and up in the air
I woke up in the morning, and my breath was steaming. It was -35 degrees outside. I was facing a brutal inner crisis. I used to think that “a different life” was like something from movies and games. But it turned out to be a different life for real. And my whole essence, my ingrained habits, my need for a private space to sleep, that capricious freedom of choice, all those “I want this, I want that”, I want to order delivery or go for a walk, or go skateboarding at night or watch a TV series — all of that is gone.
I realized that in the middle of the night, inside my sleeping bag, I’m seized by panic because there wasn’t enough space in there, and I wanted to break free. But outside the sleeping bag lies death — cold, frost, darkness. That means I have to stay there, I have no choice. I have to relax and accept it. I can’t just walk out of the chum. I have to exist within these circumstances. I have to sleep among everyone because it’s more efficient and warmer. I won’t survive alone at all. I must be in the community and the team.
Survival. The Nenets are true survivalists. Yesterday, the guys left for Yar-Sale. It was a two-“Nenets-hour” trip, but it took six actual hours. Their capacity to endure difficulty is astounding — a profound, calm resilience and total acceptance.
Yeah... I was thinking about the crisis in my sleeping bag this morning. The last two days were a crisis. The fear of a different life for real and also the fear of time.
And this longing for my loved ones — perhaps the central thing about that life.
I forgot how to be a hero. Looks like this journey will remind me.)
About the dangers. I’ve been to the corral where they sort the reindeer. No one told me that if you fall and a herd of reindeer is coming at you, you need to roll onto your back and cover your head with your hands. Otherwise, you can die, and people have died. You have to think for yourself. Use your head if you’re in the reindeer enclosure. That speaks volumes about the Nenets’ attitude toward risk and learning, I guess.
The same goes for kids — they have to figure things out on their own.
The dogs... there are so many of them. That’s a whole story in itself. You’ve got to find a way to tell them all apart. So, these are the dogs living in our chum at the moment:
My favourites are Imp — he’s gentle and tactful), and Sevok — a hedonist.
Nenets’ dogs:
I’ve never felt this bad before, honestly. There’s no escape. The thing that scares me the most is the thought of four months. I wake up every night in terror.) Maybe I’ll find the same kind of acceptance here that I found in business during those tough, impossible moments. There were times of sheer horror back then, too, when my thirst for adventure got me into difficult situations. But back then, I had no choice — I had to survive. Now, technically, there is a choice. I could run away.
I spent an entire year preparing, and now I should just give up?
What is it that frightens me? Why am I feeling this acute, piercing longing for my loved ones for the first time? I miss them incredibly. I want to spend every day with them. The Nenets are kind, but I feel like an outsider here. A total outsider. Will I ever become one of them?
The complete lack of personal space. There is none whatsoever. I don’t even have a place to put my things. And as for time — I have to come to terms with the fact that I must surrender to a different rhythm of life.
I’ve written so much about experience and existence, only to find I’m just a man who wants to see his son every day. I longed for a different life, and then I realized — there is no “other life”? There is only your own life?
I’m obviously going through the crisis of the first few days. Everything has piled up at once. And I have to accept it. The total lack of personal space. Eight people in a small chum, about four meters in diameter, plus five dogs. We all live in one half of it. You have to accept being constantly immersed in the tribe. There are always people around you — not just nearby, but right on next to you. We all sleep together. Back to back, to keep warm. I sleep between the old man and his son. We’ve already had a severe blizzard, with winds so strong they made the chum sway. And then the wind from the Arctic arrived, bringing a sudden frost of -35 degrees. Then came two days with granddad Vasya and his 2-year-old grandson, after all the women had left. For two days, we ate nothing but raw, fresh venison and white bread, just three times in two days. After that, I fell ill. The skin on my fingers is already cracked from the cold outside. My arm, the one I injured skateboarding, hurts. And going for a number two toilet break in a malitsa (deerskin parka) at minus 35 is a whole new experience.
Of course, I’ve already forgotten what a shower feels like. And I’ve realized that the power of sweat odour is greatly exaggerated — I don’t smell at all anymore.)
I woke up in the middle of the night, freezing in my sleeping bag, gripped by the terror of how tightly confined I was. But I couldn’t get out — because outside was the cold and the darkness, the snow and the ice (I’ve had a similar experience before on our winter hike). And I realized I had to calm down and accept the situation, to relax. That was the only way out: to accept the tight confines of the sleeping bag. Because there is no freedom of choice here.) The choice lies in whether you accept and relax, or you refuse to accept and simply panic.
This is a truly different life. In the end, this is exactly what I wanted. :)This isn’t a book about Arctic explorers; this is life itself. You just have to accept it, get used to it, adapt. I don’t have the strength to write much. I’m keeping very short notes. There is so much around me that is fascinating and captivating, and I’m filming a lot. But the thoughts I write about never leave me.
Is it that the Nenets never complain about life because they don’t know any other life? Or is it because they are content with their own lives? As long as there is something to eat.
The Nenets don’t talk about what’s already clear. When should I put lunch for my wife? When will we be back from the tundra? And when? Well, nobody knows. We’ll see. So much is communicated through the air, not through words — it’s a kind of body language.
All my attempts to engage the Nenets in philosophical conversations failed, as they perceived such questions as utterly meaningless. Why talk about death? It’s already understood. Why talk about what ultimately cannot be expressed in words? Life is arranged this way, and one must simply live it.
Another thing: the Nenets never get bored. You’re either resting or working: catching geese, fishing, tending to the reindeer.
Probably the peak of the crisis hit in the first two days. By the third, it began to subside. Today is the fourth day. A sense of acceptance is setting in, coming through a kind of apathy — or maybe it’s not apathy, just resignation to fate.)
Question: How does one change their underwear in the chum in winter, when there are always people inside, including the women who are the keepers of the home?
It’s a quest.
One Nenets man came to visit and said, “I’ve found a hundred of my lost reindeer. That’s my food taken care of for the whole year.”
The dogs from different chums are hostile towards each other. If you go to another chum, they bark at you because you’re not from their chum.) I was attacked by dogs, but then Lapa (grandpa’s doggie) came to my rescue. The dogs here are really amazing, I tell you.
Obviously, the crisis is subsiding. I began to get used to the situation and accept it. My stomach, too, has adapted. I began to get used to the rhythm, the daily routine. Tea, forest, playing chess with granddad, firewood, kids. Dogs.
The crisis of the first few days is the transition from a life of daily cottage-cheese pancakes delivered from CoffeeMania, on-demand massages, and a generally relaxed, controlled existence — into a chum.
“It is the only form of adventure in which you put on your clothes at Michaelmas and keep them on until Christmas, and, save for a layer of the natural grease of the body, find them as clean as though they were new.”
The Worst Journey in the World: Apsley Cherry-Garrard
An ode to humanity: to the Nenets ancestors who reached Yamal, mastered it, created this system, who suffered and died; to Scott and Amundsen, to everyone. No person’s life is in vain. Together, we are creating something. Together.
Massive respect to the Nenets for their survival system and way of life. They have no idea how awesome they are.)
The first crisis is over.
I’ve surrendered and accepted this new reality. :) It’s funny, I didn’t expect a crisis like that, but I guess it was inevitable when you’re thrown from a world where you can order cottage-cheese pancakes from CoffeeMania at 6 a.m. and leave your house literally any time you feel like it.
I guess this kind of crisis was inevitable.
And then there’s the feeling and the dread of time—five months lying ahead. I’ve come to terms with time. I’ve accepted that I won’t see my loved ones for five months, although I used to think it would be easier. Apparently, those first days brought a powerful, stark awareness of the full length of this term. I’ve accepted time — it simply has to flow. I just need to live. I have to accept that this is my life now.
I’ve started to adapt, to survive in my own way, to create my own comfort. Now my personal little haven is a corner inside the chum where I can be with my gadgets and laptop, or just lie down with a book, even while there might be ten other people around.
I’ve sorted out my diet. I’ve started creating my own daily routine (haha, and we haven’t even started migrating with the reindeer yet). Now I sleep in my yagushka, and it’s a whole new level of comfort. I’m filming a lot. Jotting down very brief notes. And in this diary, for now, I’m just tracking the shifts in my state of mind.
You know what else helped me a ton, haha?) I started reading the book about Robert Scott’s last expedition, The Worst Journey in the World, and I suddenly felt much better. It’s incredibly motivating.
Of course, I knew I couldn’t go back. It would have been impossible; I would have simply betrayed my dream because of a crisis in the first few days — that’s just unthinkable! I knew it would pass, that I just had to wait it out, endure it, and readjust. There’s no way back to the Kara Sea unless it’s on an emergency medical helicopter.
I have to embrace this different life. In fact, this is exactly what I wanted — everything is real now. I must stop resisting it and start living differently.
It seems I’ve already passed the first trial. Not much time has passed, but news from that other world feels distant. I haven’t known what’s happening in the world for a week now, except for what the reindeer herders might tell me. But generally, they’re more interested in the weather forecast for the next few days and the likelihood of black ice than in news from another world. :)
An amusing observation: it turns out that the smell of sweat in the morning, after not washing for a week and wearing the same T-shirt, resembles the scent of fresh wormwood in the summer steppe.)
But I’ll contextualize this fact with a quote from the book about Scott:
“Polar exploration is at once the cleanest and most isolated way of having a bad time which has been devised. It is the only form of adventure in which you put on your clothes at Michaelmas and keep them on until Christmas, and, save for a layer of the natural grease of the body, find them as clean as though they were new.”
Yes, food is, after all, a fundamental pleasure in life and a powerful motivator — especially when it’s well-earned, and your mealtimes are constrained by work.
Day 8
I slept well — the whole night.
I barely sweated, which is strange — I guess I just got used to it.
Why did I have a crisis?
Acclimatization to a different life.
This is only the beginning — tomorrow is the first migration)
I’m in a very calm state right now. Like a cat or a dog. It’s good to have tea. It’s good when it’s warm and the food is tasty. It’s good when we play chess. It’s good to read a book. No anxiety. No news. No politics.
Alik called - it’s raining in Yar-Sale. That’s bad. Now that’s important news. The reindeer will be staying here for a long time.
Now it’s started raining heavily here too. The reindeer herders say this is the first time something like this has ever happened. It threatens a catastrophe.
Frost is better than dampness and rain. Frost means dryness.
It’s very warm. Everyone is sinking into the snow.
+5 degrees. The migration has been postponed. Until tomorrow.
Artyom says it has never been this warm before. Black ice and water.
These are glimpses, waves, and echoes of how our ancestors lived. Survival. Sharing meals together. No time to be sad. We must live.
A person generally needs very little.) I’ve been wearing one T-shirt for 10 days now! I realized how many unnecessary things I have brought with me.)
Reindeer have already started dying on Yamal. This is a real tragedy for the reindeer herder. A herd could have been raised over several generations and it could die due to a single seasonal change in the weather, or due to a single mistake, or a wrong strategy. The last time such a weather situation occurred was in 2014. An abnormally warm spring with frosts and black ice. Many reindeer died. I was told that one of the reindeer herders hanged himself because he couldn’t bear the loss of his herd. The reindeer are everything. They are status, meaning, prosperity, a source of pride, love, and joy for a reindeer herder.
The Nenets age quickly. The wind and the cold. The beauty of the Nenets is fleeting, and that’s what makes it even more beautiful. Like melting snow. One must live. It’s not about these attempts to remain young.
Say “yes” to adventure. Say “yes” to challenges.
An important rule: dry your feet.
What about my condition?
Surprisingly, the severe crisis of the first days has been replaced by a feeling of happiness. I’ve completely stopped being afraid of the four months ahead. My perception of time has changed. It has begun to flow in a calm and pleasant way. I catch myself thinking that I’m starting to accept the world like a reindeer-herding husky. If you have a chance to warm yourself by the stove, then warm yourself and enjoy the moment to the fullest, and don’t think about anything. And if you need to run, then run and enjoy the movement and the work. And sometimes, just look at the horizon.) It’s even surprising now that I had that crisis. Once again, I’m convinced of how much people lose when they turn back at the first shock of stepping outside their familiar comfort zone. It’s like when you come to the ocean early in the morning. The water is cold, the waves are rough, and a soft part of you tells you to go home to bed. But when you enter the ocean, after half an hour or an hour, you feel an
incredible, magical happiness. A crisis is a gateway to a new world.)
I am looking at an old Nenets woman and I understand how much people have gone through so that we could live the way we do now – the efforts of thousands of generations since the Paleolithic age. So much effort, so many lives, so much suffering, so that we could create all of this. Together.
I’m staying in the settlement.
Albert is going to Aksarka for groceries.
Uncle Vasya, Artyom, Galya, Tolik, and Nadya are driving 200 kilometres away — to deliver groceries and firewood to future campsites. Thoughtfully planned.
The North means distances. You constantly have to go somewhere and cover distances that take many hours. Today, the guys are going to deliver firewood and food 200 km to the north and back — a total of 400 km on snowmobiles across the tundra...
The Nenets’ schedule is very flexible. The answer to all questions about a precise time is the same: “We’ll see.” We need to travel 200 km, but in the end, we haven’t left yet by one o’clock in the afternoon...
Morning
I woke up at 7:40 — Grandpa had just arrived; they had been driving all night. For 12 hours, they were hauling supplies 200 km. On the way, the snowmobile broke down again — Artyom was going back, and Tolik and Galya stayed behind to sleep on the route; it was freezing in the tundra.
Granddad. 70 years of age, his face all red — windburned. All night, he had to watch the road because of the ruts, the snow was like concrete, and they delivered the supplies. They froze. Now he’s sleeping.
And I was in the settlement; question: should I have gone with them or not? I would have created risks for them, of course, and possible problems.
And why do the Nenets need such complexities? Why such bestial determination? Because their lives depend on it. It’s like a wave. A big wave is coming at you; you either do the right thing or you don’t. You have to pull yourself together.
Tolik and Galya flipped on their Buran snowmobile because of the icy pits; they were driving at night.
The old man was thrown from the snowmobile, and it’s a good thing, he says, that it didn’t flip over onto him, or he would have died. That’s just simple everyday life.
The Nenets constantly have to make decisions and rely only on themselves.
There is a kind of primal readiness to overcome difficulties without hesitation — the words “don’t feel like” do not exist.
Everything is constantly tested for strength, for the limits of endurance and viability — the snowmobiles (mercilessly pushed to their limits), their own bodies, the dogs, the heavy loads... But the ultimate test of “endurance” is the struggle against the elements for the sake of the reindeer, that is life itself.
And the reindeer are life: I realized it there at the trading post at night — that food is warmth. Meat provides immediate warmth, and the fight against the cold is the Nenets’ primary instinct. Because they will risk their lives, but they will wear their malitsa.
The tundra demands constant vigilance. It is an elemental force, always. I heard a story about how untethered reindeer carried children away into the tundra in sleds, and they were never found. They would vanish into the boundless white horizon. Sleds were lost, people perished in the tundra because, on foot, there was no escape. They froze to death.
The tundra shows no mercy to the careless.
I recalled the words of Don Corleone: “A man must never be careless. His wife and children can afford to be, but a man cannot.” But in the tundra, neither the wife nor, often, the children can afford carelessness.
It’s astonishing that the Nenets fear the cold more than vast distances or hard labour. If you have no clothing, the cold is invincible. They know this. The warmth of clothing isn’t just about not feeling cold for 30 minutes outside. It’s about being able to sleep in your clothes in the snow. Or to ride a snowmobile for ten hours.
A Different Life
The most valuable experience: why not go and see a different life? A real one! A completely different one. Why is my life the benchmark, the main one? The world of a little bug 🐜 is vast, and that’s just on a single tree. )) And yet we think our world is the main one, our universe.
This is an important thought, after all.
We live in our own information bubble, in our own little world. Why are these particular values considered the most important? What truly matters to people? Here, the priorities are different for sure — absolutely so, despite the creeping stains of global civilization. That civilization simply isn’t as important here.
What’s the current situation? The reindeer are on the southern side of the bay. On the winter pasture. It seems the grazing land there is almost exhausted. If we try to drive them somewhere, they will start moving north, scattering and always heading north. That’s their programming.
So, if we move, we will have to follow the reindeer and keep watch at night to prevent them from scattering. And move to the north; we need areas with thawed snow.
What “death zones” are there?
1. The Gulf of Ob
2. From Ports-Yakha to the “Northern Depot”. 70 km. There are no thawed patches there. The old man calls it the “Valley of Death”.
The old man is calm; he has seen a lot. Nobody is panicking at all. But you can tell this is a critical moment.
Somewhere, wars and revolutions were raging, while they kept driving the reindeer north and back again, in an endless cycle. The reindeer must move.
Watch yourself — be cautious.
Let’s say you get sick. A reindeer herder can’t press pause on anything — you must go and do what must be done. The reindeer are moving north; otherwise, it’s death. And you need your family, helpers, your wife. You can’t manage alone. You need the team.
I feel the joy of being a child and learning to walk again. Life is a discovery. I feel like a child, and it’s so wonderful.
It’s simply impossible to live alone here. The wind howls outside the chum walls, and the rain mixes with snow. It’s profoundly dreary. But over tea, when everyone is together, it’s good.
What do the Nenets discuss?
1. The weather
2. Snowmobiles
3. Reindeer
Not even a month has passed yet.
And all the most difficult parts are still ahead.
I’m reading White Fang — it’s about wolves: to live in order to eat, to eat in order to live. Essentially, that’s how the Nenets live too... and how else could it be? This is part of the natural order.
A very cold night.
Grandad said it was -30 outside.
The water froze in the chum, and the butter was rock-hard at breakfast.
I slept in my malitsa, tobaks, and quilted jackets, and I was still cold at times.
For some reason, it’s hard to fall asleep — it’s as if your consciousness always refuses to shut down because there’s a fear you’ll freeze to death.) Every night, it takes me a very long time to fall asleep.
It looks like we’ll be staying here until the end of April, and then we’ll be migrating at a frantic pace.
Galya, of course, is absolutely amazing! 7 children, 48 years old, not a single gray hair, a clean chum, clean plates, and she cooks so well. But Vlad is good too — hardworking, kind, I haven’t seen anything bad from him so far.
Tolik injured his eye, but they didn’t give him a day to rest — he has to go, to work; he has to go. In general, there are two key words for the Nenets: “must” and “endure”.
The Kara Sea is somewhere very far away... It’s incredible; it’s only five months, yet there’s so much ahead, and it’s frightening.)
I’m frightened by the five months and by my longing for my old life and my loved ones. I simply have to cut off the old life. I can’t maintain it. Cut it off for a while, of course. Because if you keep living that other life, you’ll be consumed by melancholy. You have to plunge entirely into the current context.
I’m walking along, listening to Lana Del Rey, and I see the Nike logo on Tolik’s T-shirt, and I feel the connection of all people — no, not just people, of everything).
Every single object in the tundra is made by somebody’s hands — labour is invested in it: the clothing, the tynzyan (lasso), even the toilet paper made from birch bark... The sensations this evokes are completely different. And yet, there’s so much you simply cannot make yourself, which gives everything a different kind of value.
Day 29, or one month since I left Moscow.
The weather is changing drastically.
Last night was bitterly cold.
Then, by evening, it warmed up.
After that, it was a rather cold night.
This morning, the sun was shining and it was warm.
And now, a strong wind has picked up. It’s cold again, and the chum is swaying.
Gasoline for the snowmobile is the most important thing in the tundra — it must not run out. It’s like Mad Max, only in a snowy desert.
For the Nenets, reindeer are what land is for other peoples. They are passed down as inheritance. People die for them.
Why do we accept when people die over patches of land, yet fail to understand this same significance of reindeer for the Nenets... Reindeer are everything; they are their pride...
Like drops of blood, remote ages seep through everything here — not the Middle Ages, but something even more ancient... from the time when our ancestors were settling the land, and the Nenets were cast to the edge of the world, to the frontier.
They have snowmobiles and phones today, but I can hear the waves of humanity’s past when we all drink the reindeer’s blood together, sitting around a freshly skinned carcass.
Dampness and cold again. A nagging cold, a tongue of dampness penetrating through the holes in the chum... the wind.
Everyone got sick. Even Grandad got badly chilled — they’ve laid him down at the very edge, which is apparently the traditional place for the parents.
The weather changes every few hours.
Morning — sunshine and fluffy snow.
During the day — sunshine and heat.
Then a blizzard again, a strong wind, from the north.
I’m back in the chum.
Grandad is sick.
Vitka is being annoying.
Galya works every minute.
You’re lying in a warm place, and that’s a perfect thing.
The reindeer are dying of hunger — because of the weather, in the 21st century. Protected by people, adapted to the cold, yet dying because there is no reindeer lichen (yagel). We have forgotten what it means to live in order to eat, and to eat in order to live.
Yesterday, they drove the reindeer from the pastures to the chum. There was a blizzard all day. I was sick. Today, I feel worse. My job was to block the road.
I coughed heavily during the night. Today, I’ve been left alone in the chum. While I was sleeping and having tea, everyone else went to lasso their reindeer from the herd of “Turovich,” our neighbour. I didn’t go. I decided to rest and recover.
Yesterday there was a blizzard, yet the temperature was only down to -5. The night was warm; I overheated in that damned sleeping bag :( so I got dressed and again slept just in my clothes. I put on everything I had — my down jacket, and my quilted jackets.
There was a powerful north wind in the morning — I woke up at 6 a.m. because Tolik and Artem went to check on the reindeer (around 4 a.m.), without even having tea. They are afraid the reindeer will move north and won’t calm down. Yesterday, we only returned late at night — around 10:00 p.m. So, this is the kind of schedule that’s starting.
I’ve started thinking precisely in the here and now. The rest of the world is somewhere far away. Or even... life itself. My world is these people right now.
Last night, while coughing, I thought again about the difficulty of the upcoming migrations. I so desperately wanted to rest for just one day...
The Nenets and their reindeer share a powerful symbiosis; they eat them and protect them. The reindeer would certainly not survive without the Nenets (who guard them, drive them to new pastures, and watch over calves without mothers), and the Nenets could not survive without the reindeer (from their blood as a source of vitamins to clothing and the chum).
To live in order to eat, and to eat in order to live.
Artem returned from visiting friends. He says they only eat cookies, don’t slaughter their reindeer because they feel sorry for them, and want to have more reindeer!
You need reindeer to buy a snowmobile, and you need the snowmobile to repair it and graze the reindeer, and then to buy yet another snowmobile.
All the people I have seen here are occupied, found, not lost. They have everything — their relatives, reindeer, purpose. They are happy, despite the hardships. And these hardships bind them so strongly together.
The Nenets have many children, and children are a joy.
For a whole month, the lack of personal space never made me uncomfortable. Maybe humans are naturally comfortable living together, like in the Paleolithic age.
The story about Amundsen feeding dogs to other dogs was met with complete understanding by the Nenets).
It’s like I’m blind and I’m just starting to tactilely feel the face of a new person, trying to understand it, but my hands are frozen in the cold, this face is this other life.
I’m sick — I haven’t gotten better, I’ve gotten worse. My nose is running down my throat :(
I wonder how long recovery will take) ❤️🩹 A week or more?
At least I’m sleeping okay.
Waiting... Almost a month in one place, the wind is blowing, the chum is swaying, and I’m sick...
I live like a husky :) waiting.
Waiting for the movement to the north.
How I long to go surfing.)
Tolik and Artem arrived from Yar-Sale in the morning and said abruptly: We’re migrating today. 130 km, towards Yar-Sale, across the bay, because a heavy blizzard is coming on the April 29 and we need to wait it out over there...
We’re migrating today!
We are migrating!!!
I am gradually forgetting my past life: business, Putin, Trump — it all feels so far away.
I feel like a child here) I can’t do anything properly — I am clumsy.
Reindeer are very similar to humans:
1. They all have different personalities.
2. Some go forward and perish, but this is necessary for the herd.
3. A collective mind.
4. There are leaders — and more than one.
5. Everyone is running, so I run too.
6. It seems like chaos, yet something seems to be moving — the drive to go north, a “swarm movement”.
Reindeer are profoundly beautiful; they are a force of nature — it’s as compelling as surfing.
The Nenets and the reindeer share a symbiosis. The Nenets love their reindeer deeply, showing them far more tenderness than they do their dogs, it seems.
I’ve come to appreciate good books more; I’ve developed a desire to read poetry — what a profound treasure it is.
I sometimes doubt, as if I’m not sure if it’s really me here, or not me — such is the unreality of what’s happening. I had a dream: I was standing somewhere in the middle of the frozen Ob River, and it was incredibly beautiful and terrifying at the same time.
We were driving the reindeer across the Ob River — Uncle Vasya, who is immortal, and his faithful Lapa. And also, the sheer scale, and that ancient, tribal feeling once again... These are the main impressions I want to preserve above all.
How incredibly awesome Tolik is — he came to rescue us after two days of migration (he hadn’t slept, he was frozen), and nobody even bats an eye about it — and Galya, the woman who gave birth to Tolik, and the Person who has mastered this harsh North and the entire world!
I can eat reindeer brains without a second thought, because I already inhabit a different reality; back in the city, an eye in my plate would have unsettled me.
I constantly forget the following things: (1) the meaning of life is in life itself, in experience, which is to say, in development and in gaining wisdom — the experience, the opportunity to become better; (2) to create something for other living beings; (3) not to deceive others and myself. Does freedom mean the possibility of gaining experience?
It’s so fucking awesome when the sun is out and you’re basking in it.
To go to a place where you are nobody, and for the Nenets, I am nobody.
So that no one would call me by my name
So that they couldn’t find me with a candle in broad daylight
Ash and dust, a big zero
And no one to check off in the column
Auktsyon
The state of being when I realize I’m right here, right in the “movie” — having placed myself into this amazing situation.
We live in a world of illusions. The rulers of the world have built their own illusion. From here, I can see that it is an illusion.
What’s spinning in my head:
A difficult day
Woke up at 2:30 a.m. because my feet were freezing. Badly. I was lying there thinking about what to do and quickly realized that I had a high fever. My whole body started shaking from the cold, my heart rate went up, and I became short of breath. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time (I honestly don’t even remember ever being in such a state from a cold). I lay there for about an hour — my thoughts were varied. It’s only the 5th of May, and the most difficult days are ahead — the daily migration to the north and the harsh, cold, and wet Arctic spring. But I no longer thought about running away. It’s like Everest now; you can’t just go back down. You just have to not panic, accept this path as an experience, and use your head. Why did I get so sick again, when I had just started to feel great?
I have had two days of a very difficult journey (for me).
Uncle Vasya is a very simple man, but around people he keeps his distance. After all, he is a patriarch, a highly respected Nenets, and the other Nenets wouldn’t understand if he were to communicate with me so easily.
“You mustn’t pick up the stones — there will be a blizzard!” Galya said to Kolya.
Actually, the Nenets are completely uninterested in our lives. No one has ever asked me anything with genuine curiosity. Who I am and what I am... Perhaps they don’t ask, but only form an opinion based on actions. Actually, no one has ever spoken about abstract topics. They are focused on their own world, on the action of now and tomorrow.
The fever is hard to bring down. Ibuсlin didn’t help; it stayed at 39.4 °C. Then I took Ibuprofen, and after an hour it dropped to 38. It hasn’t dropped any lower all day. So, I’ve taken two pills, but Ibuprofen used to help before. I’ve noticed that when I’m lying down, there’s a heaviness (discomfort) in my left hypochondrium, near the lower back. I don’t know if it’s important or not. For now, that’s how it is.
Yesterday evening, the satellite didn’t want to pick up the Internet (.
In the evening, the temperature was 39.4.
Ibuklin didn’t help; it stayed at 39.4. Then I took Ibuprofen, and after an hour it dropped to 38. I slept better at night than the night before. At 4 a.m. — 37.8 (a record low!), but in the morning at 8 it was 38.1 and at 10 a.m. — 37.6! Probably, things are getting better. During the night, I had a runny nose, my nose got stuffy (it wasn’t before), and my throat hurt a little, specifically when swallowing (it doesn’t tickle).
Friends, I want to immerse you in the current context. I am in difficult physical, weather, and psychological conditions. This has turned out not to be a guided tourist trip, but real extreme survival.) The day before yesterday, I drove a snowmobile with a sled for 8 hours in 18 m/s winds, with Galya, two kids, and four dogs (because there was no one else to do that). I was unlucky; I picked up a virus in the settlement, and for the last two days, I’ve been lying here with a temperature of 38-39.5°C. I guess my weakened immune system is failing.(
To survive in the tundra, you must keep moving — otherwise, you’ll freeze to death.
The way the Nenets live is the way the pioneers, the frontiersmen, the conquerors of Siberia and Alaska lived...
I’ve stopped counting the days for now.) I’ll count them later.
It’s very cold because it’s humid — we are in a fog, in a cloud, on a stony hill, some ancient mountain. All elevated places are, as a rule, sacred to the Nenets, since the tundra is flat.
My feet are freezing for the first time this entire trip — in the tobaks, because I didn’t dry them out from overnight. Conclusion: you have to constantly dry everything. Moisture = cold.
The Nenets religion is superstitions), taboos, and meaningless actions because “that’s how it’s done.” There is no deep philosophy in the “religion” itself. There are some Nenets who are Baptists — interesting.
It’s so fucking awesome to read. And also, I’m having these incredible lucid dreams. I understand that I’m dreaming, I feel good, warm, and I can control everything — and I go to places where I feel good: warmth, women).
Well, okay, the main news for the 7th of May: now we have no Internet! This is a different life indeed.
Ilya has to return earlier because there is no one else to lead the argish (caravan) — they are counting on Ilya. Ilya is 12 years old, and Ilya has had his appendix removed.
Well, alright, the main thing for May 7th: now we have no Internet! This is a different life — now I understand the value of content. How I’ve fallen in love with paper books — with all my soul — they transport me far away... they help, I communicate with all of humanity through Jack London.
How I love sitting by the stove :)
The art of not freezing is the science of not sweating. If you sweat — you’ll have to dry off later :) You sweat, which means you get wet, which means — you get cold. Therefore, European clothing is not suitable. It’s not designed for long periods in the cold. And it mostly doesn’t breathe.
First, I stopped understanding what day of the week it was, then I got lost in the time of day and hung suspended in constant motion between the strip of the sky and the tundra.
I saved Lapa, who was tied up in the wind and cold, but as soon as he was untied, he immediately went to pester the female dog Betty, who was walking around, and for that, he was tied up again by Galya.)
Here, it’s impossible to not go to school, to quit your job. If the migration is necessary, you must migrate in any condition and in any weather. And you can’t exit the game.)
Friends, I feel much better. The fever is gone. Only a runny nose remains. There were three days of fog and then a blizzard, it’s humid, cold at night, there’s no firewood — only enough for tea and food. A very unpleasant season, the reindeer herders say.) We have to hold on until the warm weather.)
The cold. There’s no escaping it. Now, when it’s humid and the snow is melting, the sensation of cold is much greater than during the frost. I’m freezing in the chum. The tongues of cold are licking me.
A crucial insight: I must completely let go of my past life and start living the life of the present — not whine, not miss things, not suffer, but live this life fully. Why are the Nenets content with their life? Because they don’t know any other. So I, too, must forget that other life. Accept.
At first, I would say “bless you” to the Nenets when they sneezed, but they would respond with silence. Then I said it again, and they were silent again. I stopped saying it. Then I understood: they remove everything that is superfluous. Galya told me how some “lutsa” (Russian) came to visit them and in the morning asked her: “How did you sleep?” Galya said to me: “Does he have nothing to talk about or what?”
The Nenets are a culture of survival. Calm survival. “We don’t know any other life” — Galya. So, Artyom was born a Nenets, so what is he to do. The reindeer got mixed up, two herds, it’s a big problem actually — you can panic, you can freak out, but it won’t change anything — you have to act, to “work”.
It’s difficult to expect tenderness towards dogs from the Nenets when they don’t have tenderness towards themselves. Here, Artyom and Tolik returned yesterday — for two days they drove a “piece” of the herd that had broken off (after first lassoing it), for two days through the “valley of death” in a blizzard and fog, in the rain, soaked, they slept on the way, Tolik woke Artyom so he wouldn’t get frostbite in his feet. So Artyom arrived in the evening and just went to sleep in his wet socks to the howling of the wind... and in the morning got up and went to work as if nothing had happened — an ordinary day... To expect them to worry deeply about the dogs outside in this context...) Well, they do bring them into the chum for the night...
There is no comfort zone, there’s nothing to step out of.)
The spectrum of pleasures has narrowed down to tea, bread with butter, the stove, and sound sleep...
I realized that it’s not worth dreaming about something distant, about cottage-cheese pancakes with cappuccino or a soft bed. You should dream about what’s close — simply about warmth, sunshine, grass. The goal is June 10th, my birthday, I want the weather to be good. I want summer. I will count the days. I’ve realized that a month is actually fast.)
Three rules:
1. Don’t lose body heat.
2. Don’t sweat.
3. Dry your feet.
Are there any thoughts about that other life? No.) Almost none.
And what is happening to my ego? My ambition? It’s as if it has shrivelled up from the cold and become so transparent.
At night, there was a strong wind and about -15 to -20, as the old man says.
During the day, the wind died down, but it’s still minus, overcast. The water in the washbasin inside the chum froze...
Vlad went to catch Pedava’s and Pavel’s (they are relatives; one of them is married to Galya’s niece) reindeer. And at night, he was guarding the reindeer that want to run away to the north.
We are waiting for Galya, Tolik, and Artyom (and Vitya, and apparently Nyadma, Artyom’s son) to return from the settlement, and tomorrow we’re already breaking camp, migrating to the north (and I think Roma will be there too, since he and Tolik are going to deliver a quad bike to Bovanenkovo).
It seems like from May 14th there will be a warming trend, but they’re scaring me with the prospect of frequent rain and sleet...
This morning, I lit the stove myself, made tea for everyone, and toasted bread for everyone. Dashka (Artyom’s daughter) is a terrible lazybones :), she doesn’t help at all. When everyone arrived for tea, they thought Dashka had made it.)
I’m almost fully recovered. How can I avoid getting sick again?) I need the right clothing strategy.
My problem is that I am suffering right now, and I need to get rid of the suffering.
I am cold, and I remember when it was warm. I must accept that it is cold now. I have no choice, but I can compare things.
Galya: We don’t know any other life.
I am walking through the tundra and saying: Who am I? Why am I me? Why wasn’t I born a reindeer herder? Could I have managed to get out? Would I be able to think? What is the meaning of our life? Is there one? To drive reindeer? Why am I the way I am, and they are different?
Life is a treasure. It is a mystery.
I am still very much attached to my ego and ambition. I cling to youth, to the desire to possess all the women in the world. To vanity. I think about the film, and that is vanity.
Does my crisis consist in wanting entertainment? Pleasures, and there are none here — I have to be with myself? But there is also simply suffering) Here, you have to learn how to survive.
I have no personal space. My personal space is the tundra.
I am subordinate to the rhythms of the family. Of the tribe. You go off to sleep when everyone goes off to sleep.
It’s cold
Overcast
Galya and everyone arrived in the evening...
We are migrating.
Tolik didn’t bring my whiskey and didn’t even say anything...
Why was I born where I was born, and not as a Nenets in the Arctic? Why am I me? And is it my merit that I am me now? No :) It’s all some kind of invisible math.
So we arrive in a lifeless tundra, it’s cold, snow is falling — we set up the chum, light the stove, and soon a living space emerges, a home, coziness. And then the reverse happens. The warmth of a human in this cold, boundless world.
Yesterday we migrated.
I rode reindeer for the first time.
Kind of tired.
Had a wonderful dream.) You journey into a fairytale.
It was raining — I sweated a lot in my malitsa.
First, you lose track of the day of the week, then the date, then the month, then the time of the day, and you simply exist in a kind of geometric Solaris.
Sledding, and this whole journey in general, is about accepting the flow of time — it just flows. The Nenets bear this very easily; you shouldn’t be thinking about anything, just be in the proverbial moment. And I noticed that I worried — about what would happen tomorrow, about how much longer we had to ride, about what would happen after returning to the “big world”. To remove the anxiety and just ride, breathe, look.
It’s as if you’re on Mars, the visual scenery is very austere, as if you’re riding inside a minimalist or suprematist painting.
Today I realized that I want to ride again, even though yesterday it was very difficult. It’s raining again today, but there’s no wind, and that’s good.
He knew from the experience of the previous winter that, no matter how low the temperature, what mattered for feeling warm was a sharp change, a contrast..
Kolyma Tales by Varlam Shalamov
The migration failed because of a blizzard.
At the moment when almost all the bulls for riding had been caught, the old man said “cancel”.
And we set up the chum again.
An express-version of the chum.
In a severe blizzard.
We didn’t bank it with snow — it’s being blown through.
All the clothes are wet.
Galya hasn’t lit the stove yet, and I’m dreaming about it.
And I’m also thinking about how Artyom is doing out there. He left alone with the herd two days ago to drive the main herd north. Okay, he’s in a blizzard, but he’s alone... Could I endure four days alone with the reindeer and the white emptiness?
I want warmth)
It’s dark. Damp. And cold. 🥶
Yes, I’ve caught a slight cold in my lower body, and now I often need to go to the toilet...
Strangely, I no longer think about returning earlier, about giving up — have I accepted it, I guess?)
Right now, even an icy Mars with its temperature seems like a resort to me)
I have no comfort zone) and my personal space is the box in which my consciousness resides.
Snowstorm, blizzard, blinding snow, snowdrift — so many words.
The night was so-so) it was blowing heavily...
About the cold at night: it begins to seep in like cold mercury, in tiny streams... it is mercury because it’s slow, viscous... into certain places through little holes... at first it tingles, tickles, then it begins to “suck”, the cold tongue of some entity, a god of cold... of the snowstorm... a god of cold dampness, of cold, damp wind...
If Sevok were a human, he would write poetry. He always walks with me to the tundra, just sits down and gazes into the distance... And he’s also very independent, always alone, he can get offended and sleep outside if he’s scolded too harshly in the chum.
We migrated.
The start was in a blizzard.
Then sun and a light frost.
I got cold.
I’ve chilled my lower body and now it hurts when I pee.
I thought again that I wouldn’t be able to endure it.
But when we arrived it was a great evening, no wind, a light frost — beautiful.
And we even opened cognac - Ilyusha arrived by helicopter!)
When it’s sunny and warm — you want to live))
And I also started reading the Kolyma Tales.
I think in these four months I’ll become the coolest drinking buddy — will have stories to tell)
There is no word “thank you” in the Nenets language, that is, it does not exist at all as a concept, as a mental construct. Language reflects thinking. How does the Nenets think? If someone helped you, did something good, then it’s necessary. This is the norm. And you would have helped and will help. There can be no doubt about it. It’s a given. It’s a man. This is the tundra. Why waste time and energy on unnecessary conversations?
We migrated.
At first, there was sunshine and joy during the yorkalava\*, but as soon as we started the migration (around 5 p.m.) — it immediately became overcast, windy, a slight blizzard and cold... I put on my winter malitsa during the process, my feet froze.
Today we migrate again.) We are moving north non-stop.
\*Yorkalava is the process of catching riding bulls for the argish. First, a corral is built from sleds, then the riding bulls are driven into it, and then from them, the bulls that will be harnessed to the sleds for travel (migration) that day are selected.
The reindeer have a collective mind, they are like humans: some are afraid, some think they can get away with it, some break through and run away.
We crossed the railway.
Again, a cold wind and no sun — it came out for 15 minutes and that’s it.
A happy day.
I went out in the morning — it’s warm and sunny.
And there’s no wind at all, at all...
The drone is flying over the endless tundra — it seems that we are alone in this meta-Universe...
The past world is somewhere far away now... I think about it less and less), reality has fused together...
And so the sunny, happy day has passed — in the evening, wind and overcast again), but I am very glad to have had that little happiness.
We are migrating.
Yesterday we went to the Yuribey trading post.
The weather today is changeable: warm, windy, sometimes sunny, sometimes hailing and overcast.
I feel the blood and the gene of all humanity, of all living things, of the entire world within me.
We are migrating.
We will cross the Yuribey.
A very long route, 25 km.
Warm, no wind, but overcast.
Time has slowed down.
I’m reading Tolstoy right on the sled, on the move — it’s bliss.
The beginning of spring.
The smell of Labrador tea on thawed patches.
Little bird feathers.
The singing of birds at night — the silence is broken.
The smell of earth.
The world has become very small.
A point in the tundra.
It’s like a window into the fourth dimension.
It’s like a monastery and mountaineering combined.)
We migrated.
Artyom and I were driving a herd of calves.
There was a strong wind, and towards the end, a slight blizzard.
All human culture — Tolstoy, Michelangelo, — all beauty will melt like snowflakes do, because there’s nothing permanent; time will erase all things.
The essence of the world is beauty that is eternally transforming, but not eternal. Eternal transformation. But how do we let go of all attachment and love; how do we stop clinging to snowflakes? And do we, human beings, really need to do so?
My acceptance levels have soared; I hardly ever think about the future, time or timeframes anymore, I’ve stopped counting days and worrying. I take things one day
at a time. Teatimes are my new time markers. It feels good. I’ve really calmed down.
My personal space is now restricted to dreams and books. Tundra, too.
Reindeer are their own society. All different kinds of them in the corral. Leaders. Laymen. Enthusiasts. Who’s the decision-maker? Why do they go exactly where they need to go? For a reindeer humans are like circumstances for us humans. Their actions are ruled by circumstance.
We didn’t move herd today
We expected a heavy snowstorm, but it didn’t come
There is a snowstorm and heavy wind, but with little snow — it’s a baby snowstorm
Still we decided to stay put and not move — ten cows are still missing, with calves in tow
It’s snоwing for real now!
Weather and bad luck does matter here: all calves can perish in a heavy snowstorm. A year’s labor can go down the drain just in one day.
Reindeer herders are not unlike Russian peasants I’ve read about in books — even affluent ones do not hire help, because they don’t trust hired help, it’s cheaper this way, and also when you do it yourself, you do your best
Do Nenets really choose this way of life? They don’t choose their identity. Once born a Nenets, a Nenets you will remain; it’s not a nationality, it’s a way of being.
I suppose peasants in the 19th century didn’t choose their way of being either.
For some reason, right now and here in a closed small group, without communication, in a white, boundless, lifeless and endless tundra, you feel connected to all of humanity and your responsibility for everything. It’s like we’re flying in space in the middle of a lifeless, vast cosmos, and the pale blue dot is so far away that maybe the world is gone. And we have a responsibility to ensure that this fire of collective knowledge does not go out. We may not have books or seeds of cultivated plants with us, but we have genes, and what we know, but do not yet understand or do not remember, our souls are alive. And the children.
And then you realize that we’ve been playing the game so much, and we’re all one, the family, all the humanity.
Feels like –15 degrees on a morning, May 26th — how come?
To think about it, is there such thing as personal space at all? What if it’s an illusion of mind, smoke patterns rising from a fire?
Noon, weather is fine
Not too windy, chilly (but still below zero, the snow isn’t melting), sunny
We’re moving herd 16 km further
I think about my father and grandfather all the time
Seems like my new crisis reached a new low over here) there’s no running away from thoughts, from oneself, no silencing the thoughts and no replacing them with people and travel. There’s only me and white emptiness) as for my crisis — I’m thinking about life, youth, I’m regretting life that keeps slipping away) I’m clinging
Morning weather is fine
Yesterday we moved herd 22 km further
Today we stay put
Tomorrow we’re moving to the summer sled camp
Strong south wind is blowing
I dreamed of surfing in the ice
I learned to sleep real tight)
In this white desert I’ve come to appreciate everything created by humans; I’m full of passion and affection for these treasures created by Tolstoy and many others who wrote and made so much more. And I have time for all this. This is what life is for
Death happens to other people
I remember a story of Sam Walton, who inquired about sales in his stores on his deathbed. Galitsky said: I don’t want to be like this. But I thought I understood Walton at the time and said that he was passionate about his business until the very end... I thought so at the time, but then I realized that I was wrong) do sales really matter that much when your life comes to an end? Does it really matter if I open more or less pizza joints, if I’m even more at the top of my game than I am now? Does it? No... living a life — that’s what matters
Real life is the one you feel with your skin; cold and wind — that’s real life
Again we decided not to move herd: it’s raining hard, it was foggy during the night and it’s damp now, everything’s gone damp, the sleds including. We’ll wait for the weather to clear. We decided not to cross the next two rivers on ice and take a boat; we’ll stay at the summer sled camp for a week/10 days/fortnight and wait for the ice to break and large floes to go away: when calves cross the river, they can be knocked down dead by these and drown.
We’re moving the chum to a thawed patch or it will be flooded, though we’ve been sleeping in the water for a while now)
I’ve stopped thinking about the movie, I’m thinking a lot about life now
I’m lying in a leaky chum wrapped in a yagushka; it’s windy, cold and damp, and I’m thinking: it’s a test, I’m being tested
Last day of spring) tomorrow comes summer) it’s raining, the temperature is about zero, it’s dank and raining real hard
Now we must survive and reach the sea!
When there’s two more months to go and it’s raining, time starts to flow differently and the perception of time changes. Time is relative. It’s a mind thing. Time is intangible. My physiological perception of time has changed.
Vitya and I love watching Hedgehog in the Fog. It’s incredible. I now feel like The Hedgehog.
I’m in a river; let the river carry me away, decided the Hedgehog, took a very deep breath — as deep as he could, — and got carried away with the current.
The hunt begins: June 1, 15:00
The hunt ends: June 2, 11:00
We spent the night in the tundra, slept on the ground
It was incredibly beautiful
It’s sunny and very warm
Summer has officially begun
Never have I been so happy to see the sun — I felt the urge to worship it, make it a senior deity; it radiated complete happiness and joy, it filled me with desire to live, love, rejoice and sing...
Sun! How beautiful you are!
The sun didn’t last
Weather is terrible
Rain and wind at +1–2 degrees — worst weather of all) dampness gets to you in no time and soon you’re freezing
Almost peed my pants at night:( cold diuresis
Feels like the “big outside world” does not exist anymore
Survival mode again
Maybe we love the Sun so much because it’s the source of all life
It comes from somewhere (from the Sun, if it’s the Earth we’re talking about), passes the biosphere and finally returns to space as infrared light. In every separate case of hypothetical alien life that we’ll consider in this book, we’ll start with counting and examining all possible energy sources. In some cases the Mother Star will be the main source.
Imagined Life: A Speculative Scientific Journey among the Exoplanets in Search of Intelligent Aliens, Ice Creatures, and Supergravity Animals. By Michael Summers
Bad weather in spring is better than bad weather in autumn: in autumn it only gets colder by the day, whereas in spring it gets warmer, summer and the sun always await, they’re always there, just further ahead...
Humanity is nothing but a collective mind. We perceive ourselves as separate. But, like so many other things, it’s an illusion.
My current world boils down to a group of people:
1. Vlad
2. Galya
3. Tolik
4. Kolya
5. Vitya
6. Ilya
7. Artyom
8. Dasha
9. Nyadma
10. Stas
11. Natasha
12. Alexander
13. Nastya
14. Diana
Me and that’s all)
Overall: 14 + 1 = 15
A day inside a chum when it’s raining. What’s it like?
Imagine waking up in a dark and cramped room with ten other people and spending all day inside when outside is wet, cold and scary.
I feel oneness with all things: we’re all one, even stones, we all originated from the Big Bang. I feel like crying. I feel all humans and all the history of humanity.
Humans created music as well... Music... you can dance — and I dance in the tundra
I used to notice when it’s been a week since I last washed... I haven’t washed for two months now, lol) and I haven’t even given it another thought
Body houses the spirit, so body must be preserved/tomorrow I must stop eating so much fatty food and bread and sugar
Tea with two cookies, tops
Hold on, Fedya
At night our chum almost got blown down by the wind, it was harsh, 15–20 mps, I got cramps again — it hurts to urinate
Then the sun came out and it was awesome
It was sunny and awesome yesterday
Today is dreary again, wind and rain, Northern wind — Artyom said bad weather will hold for five more days
So hopefully it will clear up for my birthday
I’m lying in the wind again
It was raining and by late afternoon the sun appeared
It’s been a sunny day; we’ve cut and dried bread and had a yorkalava practice; later I went to overturned sleds, sat on a hill and reveled in the beauty
It’s very warm but overcast; morning brought a warm drizzle
It’s overcast, very warm, still and drizzling; I’ve washed my yellow beanie this morning) Tomorrow we’re moving to the summer sled camp
All in all I can say that I’ve adapted. Weather matters. I cheer up when it gets warm. Birdsong and no wind bring joy even if there’s no sun)
I’ve been listening to silence
This silence is like music
We’re moving to the summer sled camp, but we can’t herd the reindeer) they’ve escaped five times now
It’s warm and still, damp and overcast though
Tomorrow I’m 44.
I lost track of days.
My 44th birthday
Thoughts?
This travelling experience with all its alone time, absence of distractions and minimalism really just accentuated my crisis)
I thought a lot about the future and the past, but then I woke up this morning and realized that I’ve been living in the moment for a while now — they say it’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s there, you just breathe and live
The Nenets just don’t have time for all this thinking, reading and living... they don’t even have time for love) survival and life takes up all their time. The Nenets wallow in samsara.
The Nenets don’t celebrate birthdays, it’s considered too personal; they don’t sectionize time, it’s continuously cyclical and therefore eternal and nonexistent
The Nenets have freedom, but not freedom from the circumstances; they only have freedom from god
Dreary wet cold
We stayed put and didn’t move
Inspected summer and winter sleds
Tomorrow we’ll stay put again — we’re waiting for the swell to go down
Unconditional acceptance of fate eliminates the stress of self-realization. If you are born a Nenets, you will be a Nenets, if you are born a Kshatriya, you will die a Kshatriya. The joy of choosing, finding oneself, and self-realization has a high price in the form of stress and the risk of self-deception and failure)
Suddenly we’re moving — it wasn’t planned
Crisis again — I’ve been here for too long, I’m tired of this other life. It’s such a rollercoaster.
But when we arrived in the evening, or late at night, I was euphoric) and nicely tired, I rode a reindeer sled all by myself, got lost or abandoned, more precisely( looks like it was someone’s prank...
The Nenets don’t have a word for thank you
We stay put and don’t move
Yesterday we arrived at 01:15 and went to sleep around 4 a.m.
Today it’s partly cloudy, sunny and still
Yesterday night (June 13) it was +1
How ruthless is time, how easily moments slip away; this video is an attempt to catch them. Amazing.
The Nenets are patience and acceptance personified. Yesterday (June 13) was Tolik’s shift; it is now 13:26 June 14 and Tolik hasn’t yet returned, but when he does, he’ll herd reindeer, move herd and not sleep until early hours... he’ll do it easily and in good spirits. Why live such a life? Patience and acceptance, also extremely low labor productivity that leaves no time for anything else... Tolik is 21, he could be chasing girls, but he’s working hard
Reindeer herding is much like surfing: you don’t control reindeer, you only adapt to these wild beasts, learn to understand their habits and how they operate — it’s more intuitive than rational experience
I wonder how the herd makes decisions: one moment they stay put, then move to the corral because one of them did, then another, and then they reach critical mass and all move; or sometimes they walk to the corral and then something happens and they just scatter... If the reindeer refused to go to the corral twice, you should move the corral or change the strategy
Enlightenment is possible for modern people because they have free time, but how do they use it?
There are three types of reindeer that go into corral:
1. Those who surrendered
2. Those who wait and see who runs first and where the rest of the herd will go
3. Those who always try to escape
Every day we uncover the amazing mystery of life; we revel in its beauty but never fully comprehend it
Sun, rain, the shortest move of all — 3-5km
How did you look like before you parents were born? Who am I?
I’m in a state of contemplation; I am the world and the world is me. I love, I cry, I sing.
Because of this in Zen nothing beats personal experience. Idea comprehension is impossible for someone with zero personal experience. It’s clear as a day. A child has no ideas, because her mind is yet unable to perceive the world through the lens of conceptual thinking. If a child had ideas, they would probably be totally absurd, ridiculous and out of touch with reality.
An Introduction to Zen Buddhism. By Daisetz Teitaro Suzuki
...he doesn’t care much for nonexistent details but attempts to intuitively grasp the whole.
An Introduction to Zen Buddhism. By Daisetz Teitaro Suzuki
If the whole world is an illusion and only personal experience can be considered real, then personal experience is the most important thing of all. Not to carry something away or leave something behind, but to live, feel, experience, taste. Adventures. Beauty.
The world is a snowflake. We get old. We cling to the world with all its breathtaking beauty.
I’m lying in the chum; the tundra is all rain and wind again, and I’m trying to catch some Zen and joy) Some experiences are driven by ego: I’ve been here. But there’s also experience for the sake of experience. The ultimate experience of all that no one will ever know about.
But in reality nothing is attained, and this nothing is exactly what true attainment means.
An Introduction to Zen Buddhism. By Daisetz Teitaro Suzuki
If the world is nothing but suffering and attachment and nothing is ever permanent, but at the same time the world is beautiful like a snowflake that will eventually melt, I want to revel in this beauty, and its impermanence only makes it more beautiful. I want to contemplate the impermanence, the imperfection and non-duality — it’s eternal and momentary. Every moment is momentary and eternal. These moments are all there is — each moment in everyone’s life.
I’m riding a sled and remembering how I used to lie in the snow when I was a child. I’m not suffering: my childhood feels eternal, it didn’t go away, it is eternal.
It was raining all night, wind howled, now it’s daytime and raining again, it’s damp.
Rain two days in a row
The observer effect: not the event itself matters, but how others view it; what matters is the observer, not me, but how I’m perceived.
Yesterday (June 17) was dreary; all day long it was raining, and then at night the wind came — really heavy and squally northern wind from the sea around 20 mps. It hasn’t subsided since then; we propped up the chum at night, I woke up and covered the holes, and so the day came and went, but the wind hasn’t let up.
The Nenets never leave the comfort zone because there’s no such thing as comfort zone for them)
It’s cold, cold penetrating wind is blowing from the harsh ocean, it’s damp and there’s no escape. I need to surrender.
Somewhere far ahead is the sea that I’m trying to reach
An ode to the beauty of tundra, this scarce and minimalist place.
Nighttime
Northern wind 15–20 mps, +4 degrees
It was sunny, windy and chilly
Moved herd 10 km further
The reindeer they gave me were very wild, I couldn’t move until Alexander tied them up
I cursed a lot (why?)
We’ll be moving herd soon
We expected better weather
It’s slightly overcast, the sun is peeping, it’s warm and drizzling
We’re watching animal documentaries with the Nenets.
The questions they ask:
Tolik: Fedya, are penguins edible?
Artyom: What about herons, are they edible?
They’re neither happy nor unhappy. They just take life as it comes.
I am reality.
I revel in this beauty. I listen to the sounds of silence. I drown in them. I cry. I love.
The beauty of infinity — that’s what tundra is about. It’s about suprematism.
Yesterday Nadya, Grandma Tanya, Vova and little Egor arrived by helicopter.
Instead of cognac Alik sent some cognac-coloured artificial liquor) 35% alcohol
Dried garlic instead of fresh garlic
Yesterday morning was sultry, sunny, slightly windy; by night the chill came
Today it’s sunny with harsh cold wind, but warm
Days go by
It was raining all night and day, the chum flooded, at 15:00 people still haven’t returned from the night shift — obviously something came up. We were going to move herd, but now I don’t think we’re going anywhere today.
I’m walking in the rain; I’m feeling life with my skin.
My side hurts — is it from fatty food? Also at night legs cramped — funny, some say it’s cholesterol)
Stoicism, Christianity, Buddhism — there’s so much out there, but it’s all a snowflake)
The Nenets are true stoics
The single purpose of life is therefore clear: define and separate one thing from the other, so that I could clearly see what is external and beyond my control and what is choice that I can control. Now where do I search for good and evil? Not in external that is beyond my control, but inside, within my own choices.
The Discourses. 2.5.4-5. By Epictetus
First my world reduced, then turned itself inside out and became infinite
The wind on my face — that’s real life. Soul and body are inseparable; only when you feel pain and touch you feel life. You can’t feel life when you read about feeling. The only thing that matters is momentary experience. The world is a snowflake, but I love it; I don’t want to leave samsara, I want to be inside this Louvre called life, inside this movie, this beautiful simulation. A billion years from now Van Gogh’s legacy will be destroyed by the extinct star, but now it’s here and it’s eternal.
You can’t escape yourself, can’t buy a ticket, leave, go to a bar — you’re in the tundra
Nighttime. A huge heavy cloud is approaching us from the Arctic — the Kara Sea sends hi)
A slight hope for the sun
I’m flowing like a river now, sure and unquestioning — I move because I have to. This is the Nenets way of reasoning. New day came, so you have to get up...
When reindeer don’t have enough grass, they run away
Grass needs sun — everything is connected
Am I adventurous?
When the rain ceases, birdsong ceases too.
Buddha, Jesus, Einstein, Da Vinci and Van Gogh came to exist because humanity ventured, suffered, advanced and perished. Everything belongs to everyone and all is one.
I don’t know is the key phrase, but Zen Buddhists simultaneously know and don’t know)
For a Nenets beautiful means practical, neat, bright.
Sunny day
Tomorrow we cross the Mordyyakha River
Life now is constant intrigue, every day a fresh start
Only life and experience matters
Without reindeer the Nenets die
You want to do something — leave, escape, change — but you can’t. You can only accept what is. The tundra is boundless.
Never again shall I eat raw fish
I wish no one knew my name
I wish no one could ever find me
I’m ash and dust, I’m nothing
My box is never checked because there’s no me
Surfing is a mystical experience
Pure art attempts to express mystical experience; all life can be a mystical experience, its walls are thin, seeping light...
Smartphones should be really a presence in the movie — they’re everywhere, they’re omnipresent. Blood, meat and smartphones — people just don’t change at all.
Bread and circuses.
The rule of the tundra: all that can be lost will be lost
There’s only one purpose in life: exploring, creating, being free
An ancient law of life created by God: Earn your bread by the sweat of your brow, be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth.
Fyodor, only here among strangers you can find yourself. But nothing can fill you in this sterile wilderness; you can’t escape yourself.
Life is a knife; you want to walk the blade. Sharp blade. Grandpa Vasya is sharpening the knife.
I’m riding in the tundra and thinking
Having placed myself in a totally different environment, suspended between two worlds without a chance to escape and flood myself with impressions and news that modern world continuously feeds us, I have no choice other than dive into existential questions and stay inside the vessel.
Many hours of riding, floating in and out of trance and memories, drowning in memories so deep I even remember smells from my childhood
A museum of personal memories: I’m in Syktyvkar, I’m lying in the snow, it’s night, I’m looking at the high-rises. Anticipating holidays, the smell of spring and freedom, my first cigarette. Women’s hips are the most beautiful thing in the world.
Survival in the tundra depends on knowledge, good clothes and women)
What’s great about this journey is that I’m learning to walk again; I feel like a fool again
I’m scared, I don’t want to die
I wish I was a woodworm
I would live inside the back leg of the chair in the far room
And waves would run above my head
I wish no one knew my name
I wish no one could ever find me
I’m ash and dust, I’m nothing
My box is never checked because there’s no me
People have been using choppers for a million years; hundreds of generations have lived, ventured and died so that we could reach our current level of existence
They died and explored
Do Nenets really differ than much from Russians?
No
I woke up in fisherman Ivan’s chum
Artyom hasn’t picked me up
As for the weather, it’s overcast and windy, gloomy and around 10–12 degrees
9 a.m., I’m in a stranger’s chum, the alarm went off a couple of minutes ago, but no one’s waking up
I got wet yesterday when I was fishing and waiting for Artyom; I hung my clothes out to dry in the wind
When I was little, I didn’t want to lead an ordinary life. And look at my life now.
Zen is completely natural, it’s flow without any duality. Being yourself. Removing all artificial boundaries
By beauty the Nenets mean functionality and effectiveness
I wish I could drink up all music created by humanity
When I was a child I enjoyed life all the time, every moment was fun and bright and full of ambience) even in Syktyvkar with its car sheds and rain
In this other life you’re totally detached from context, from everyday routine, and it allows for a change in perspective
One should really read Russian classics as an adult. I’m reading Crime and Punishment: what a great book.
Books provide an escape from reality, allow to travel to another world, which in essence isn’t a far cry from drugs and daydreaming. But it’s amazing that you can carry a whole world with you. A world that is so delicious. Tangible.
Dostoevsky’s world is definitely broken.
I’ve lost track of camps, I don’t remember where we’ve been and when. Life is a constant motion
What will I remember? What treasures will I bring home from the tundra?
Fragrant tea in a warm chum on a frosty day
My bare feet touching kisa fur, my hands caressing a yagushka, the warmth...
People...
Good people, laughter
How they educated and supported me
Sometimes calling the “other world” after a long break is hard and even scary — what if something comes up and pulls me out of this warm fresh world
The essence and taste of life is in anticipating the new and the unknown — spring or summer, another school year, life... and the purpose is to never lose this freshness, though new is so relative — every leaf on an autumn tree is new, every day is new, every look people cast at us and every breath
I’m still reading Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. From the first pages I’ve abhorred Raskolnikov: how narcissistic he is, how weak and self-deceiving. Also selfish. And spoiled.
Avdotya Romanovna Raskolnikova is awesome. I think I’m in love with her.
Crime and Punishment is the greatest psychological crime thriller.
The smell of burning plastic bags reminds me of childhood — burning trash cans, how we played Star Wars by setting a plastic bag on fire and dripping melting plastic into puddles behind the sheds) God it was fun) Looks like in essence I haven’t changed at all
I can now smell moments. I’ve become more attentive. We lack attentiveness. The right kind of attentiveness. It’s hard to explain: with this kind of attentiveness everything comes into sharper focus. It is as if you adjust focus in a camera and everything became clearer, more transparent, tactile and sharp.
20 days left. So little. It feels different. I know that I’ll go and they’ll stay
+5–6 degrees
Heavy wind
Dampness
Question: is it summer yet?
Or is summer already over?
Strange that Raskolnikov does not in the least care about the old pawnbroker or Lisa(
I was sorry for the old pawnbroker, so fragile, thin-haired, well, yes she is evil, but ignorantly so... she does deserve love and pity
I wish I could hug and kiss this old pawnbroker; I so desperately want that
I suppose it’s not a good idea to read Russian classics at school — you’ve read it but you haven’t really. How can a 13- or 14-year-old grasp Crime and Punishment? Even at 15 or 17 it’s hard.
Sex in Dostoevsky’s novels is virtually nonexistent, neither literal, nor in atmosphere, e.g. in descriptions of female characters. The opposite is true for Tolstoy: sex is a real presence in his novels, remember the upturned moustached lip?
Extremely lewd — what is meant by that?
This man was also very unlikeable and obviously extremely lewd, undoubtedly cunning and deceptive and maybe even evil.
Crime and Punishment. By Fyodor Dostoevsky
he passed from thought to daydreaming and contemplation
Crime and Punishment. By Fyodor Dostoevsky
It’s all about one thing - both Zen and Dostoevsky are fundamentally the same.
They wished they could talk, but they couldn’t. Tears blurred their eyes. Both were pale and thin, but these pale thin faces carried a glimpse of new dawn and complete resurrection into a new life. Love was what resurrected them, and the heart of one held infinite sources of life for the heart of other.
But he resurrected and he knew that, his whole renewed being spoke of that, and as for her — she lived for him only!
Crime and Punishment. By Fyodor Dostoevsky
Isn’t this new life and resurrection the same as satori and enlightenment? After that even suffering stops being suffering... Samsara is nirvana, but from a different perspective.
That night, however, he was unable to have any long or continuous thoughts; he couldn’t concentrate, and anyway, it was too late to consciously decide on anything; now he could only feel. Instead of duality there was now life, and the mind had to operate in a completely different way.
Crime and Punishment. By Fyodor Dostoevsky
What is that if not Zen and non-duality? And why do I see Zen Buddhism in all things? Lol
But here starts a different story: a story of a gradual renewal of a man, his gradual rebirth and transference from one world to another; the acquaintance with a new and previously unknown reality. It could be a theme for our new narrative, but as for this one, it’s now done.
Crime and Punishment. By Fyodor Dostoevsky
Comprehending means simplifying (!)
Unless you let go of the observer effect — the constant construction of the context me — society — other people — you’ll keep separating yourself from others, which is the root of all ego. You separate yourself from the world. This modern world allowed us to construct a virtual self via Instagram, to create an image inside an image, an illusion inside an illusion, and now we care not only about how we look, but also about how our image/narrator is perceived on Instagram. Technical progress doesn’t matter as long as all the important questions are solved in the mind, and they’re still the same. Progress does affect us, sure it does — more and more people can think about something other than food now. The observer effect creates duality; the perception of the world as non-dual and perception of oneself as inseparable and one with the world is the way to Zen and enlightenment. It is what children and animals (possibly) have, it’s a flow — a flow of life. Another quality. Only by shedding the observer effect one can lead a different life, a Zen life.
True artists don’t care if no one ever sees their work?
One must simply accept the flow of life. Not think about living, but live)
Absolute reality is beyond words
The Nenets love children and pretty names — Carolina, Diana, Marta, Carina... children are fulfillment, eternity and immortality
children are immortality
What motivates Logan Roy? What’s it like to be Logan Roy?
1. You can’t win (you can’t get something when you have nothing; law of conservation of matter and energy)
2. You can’t play a draw (return to a previous energy state, because chaos and entropy are ever increasing)
3. You can’t quit the game (absolute zero is unattainable).
Hyperspace: A Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes, Time Warps, and the 10th Dimension. By Michio Kaku
Entropy is fast
It took almost 5000 years for the migrating hunter groups to become the great Aztek civilization that had flourished in Mexico and Central America and created magnificent monuments to gods. But it took several months for Cortez and Сonquistadors to wipe out the Aztec civilization.
Hyperspace: A Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes, Time Warps, and the 10th Dimension. By Michio Kaku
Father casually mentions that stars will eventually perish; the children are having a tantrum. “Please don’t let the stars die!” — they pray. Placating them, father asks AK whether it’s possible to reverse entropy. “You see”, — he says, having read the answer. “AK can do anything”. Comforting the kids, he adds: “When time comes, AK will take care of everything”. Father doesn’t mention that the computer really said: “Not enough data for a complete answer”.
Hyperspace: A Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes, Time Warps, and the 10th Dimension. By Michio Kaku
Buddha sat in honourable silence...
The passage of time without arbitrary markers like days of the week or “days off” changed my perception of time: it now flows continuously.
Must check what Michio Kaku looks like
Watching a snowflake melt — that’s the meaning of life for you. It’s very personal. And very selfish.
Loving a snowflake with every cell.
I always empathize with people in broken glasses, especially alcoholics who have lost their glasses and can’t find the way.
I wish I could go search for my lost glasses. Much like Holden Caulfield.
You mustn’t really lose things in the tundra; you mustn’t own a lot of things and you mustn’t lose them. Each things serves you for many years, has its own time and history
Never postpone the footage — second chance may not come
I started to recognize our reindeer. The Nenets are around reindeer all the time: they grow up with them, get old with them, suffer alongside them. No wonder they know what each deer looks like
The Nenets do not like to plan ahead — they play by the ear and reason like this: if I’m strong, I’ll handle everything
I began to understand all scenarios simultaneously, not just the preferred one in my head
...and that doctor there, why, what does he know about seafaring men? I have been in places hot as pitch, and mates dropping round with Yellow Jack, and the blessed land a-heaving like the sea with earthquakes—what do the doctor know of lands like that?—and I lived on rum, I tell you.
Treasure Island. By Robert Louis Stevenson
Camps change — they’re different but the same — we move all the time but it feels like we don’t. Change is gradual
The main question is: what if I don’t want nirvana?
Let’s say I agree with everything that the yogacharins have discovered: I am an artificial construct, but at the same time I accept that I consciously choose to play this game) I do not deny the logic of Buddhism, I rather agree with the conclusions and disagree with them at the same time.
Mortality is beautiful and vital; eternity is ugly and cold.
God how I love these people, I love them warmly and truly
The late yogacharins recognize two sources of cognition — sensory perception (pratyaksha) and logical inference (anumana), and only sensory perception contains an element of correct knowledge about reality as it is, whereas logical inference can provide knowledge only in relation to the level of relative truth.
An Introduction to Buddhism. By Evgeny Alekseevich Torchinov
Art is sensory perception!
Reality as such is not semiotic, because language (in the broadest sense) is only a convention, the ancient vasana).
An Introduction to Buddhism. By Evgeny Alekseevich Torchinov
Look around, see what is around you, try to stop the flow of mental debris in your head, and you will be able to see the plan of God that lies behind all things.
Syrian mystics about love, fear, anger and joy. By Maxim Glebovich Kalinin, Philip Viktorovich Dziadko
There is knowledge and there is experience
I’m a different person now.
Alcohol brings “enlightenment”) it’s artificial, but the whole world seems beautiful
What are my takeaways from this journey? Firstly, it’s possible not to have sex for four months) and not even think much about it, so it seems that consciousness does define existence after all) Well, I did think about it, but not obsessively
Fear of the unknown — who said that death awaits after death? We’re just afraid of the unknown. We’re making everything up. The only reality is now.
I feel the sea 25 kilometers away — the wind, the moisture, the fog, the clouds; I think I can hear seagulls — it’s truly the edge of the earth
Unseeingly and unwittingly we’re all connected to olden times... It’s in our superstitions and instincts... The Nenets have it stronger than we do, they feel it as an umbilical cord leading back to ancient times.
Uqnum/qanum is an independent existence, literally “self”. Syrian mystics often talk about seeing the beauty of their uqnum, which happens in a true encounter with oneself. When a person is sure that he is living his true life, he lets go of the need to compete with others.
Syrian mystics about love, fear, anger and joy. By Maxim Glebovich Kalinin, Philip Viktorovich Dziadko
A true encounter with oneself.
Travel as a mystical experience. Life in general is a mystical experience.
Rawwayuta — “intoxication”; one of the words used by the Syrian mystics to denote the ecstatic side of spiritual experience.
Syrian mystics about love, fear, anger and joy. By Maxim Glebovich Kalinin, Philip Viktorovich Dziadko
It seems I’ve had a rawwayuta here :)
You have to concentrate in order not to lose things, because they are valuable and the further you take them, the more history they aссumulate, but if you lose them, let it be so. It means that you had to lose this particular thing: its time had come.
This particular grass, this particular stone — I’m lying down and looking at them, and then I realize that I’m thinking in concepts, not particularities. There are so many things that we just don’t see... at this moment, but here this grass is growing, this piece of land lives its own life... attention to detail...
The fate of flowers.
Nenets definitely don’t all speak in words. They speak with deeds and attitudes. This is an understanding without words.
I’m not in a rush anymore; time just flows like a river and I don’t attempt to outrun the current... And it’s not just the speed of movement that counts
The Nenets economics is an effective self-sufficient system for maintaining life in harsh conditions, where even animals find it difficult to exist. Humans are truly amazing. The kaleidoscope.
If I did touch it at all, I did it with the very tip of my tongue. Just a little bit. I licked it, so to say. This is my limit for now. The most important thing is that I don’t want to go further consciously. I don’t want to leave this beautiful samsara.
It all comes from childhood, I’m sure. Mom, why am I me? Who am I? What is my identity? experiencing the uniqueness of a concrete block in a panel house, of every pebble on the road — the whole world will keep on going, and the pebble will still be there when I die
The difference between philosophy and something is that philosophy is knowledge on the shelf, and something for me is experience and vision.
Death is worth living
The world is a spectacle. Suddenly everything I thought to be real became just a backdrop. I thought it was so serious. But the tundra taught me that it was all a backdrop.
The Nenets have a powerful instinct for life and an absence of doubt, at least outward. They have a lot of energy. Their instinct is to act.
There is no time to think — the deer must go forward, otherwise they will scatter and die. Deer are everything.
The enlightenment — satori — changes one’s configurations and a man whose configurations change transforms permanently, changes his thinking and uproots the foundations.
I used to think that anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Your whole life prepares you for something bigger. This thought inspired me. It seemed that everything was not in vain. And then I lost the meaning of it. Realized that the purpose is not absolute. Now everything is different)
They want to find direct answers, but there aren’t any. It’s grasping the air. A search for virtual constructions. I need to pass on direct experience.
Why did I come here? To figure out human life and existence. Experience — observation — research. We see things from one perspective, but I wanted to climb another hill and see things from the opposite river bank. There are no direct answers, and I did not come here to find them. But I definitely understood a lot. My configurations are changing as I speak. The straightforward simple answer is too simple and only brings incomprehension.
Reaching the last sea
They say: You’re doing this to become even stronger and achieve something, but I think I know what lies beyond that last frontier... reaching the last sea
Who am I?
The continuum. The river.
I think of myself 10 years ago and now and I realize that I’ve changed and I’m alone.
Death no longer scares me?
There are things that I physically can’t tell you. We underestimate the observer effect.
While I was speaking, the snowflake has melted.
In the spring of 2024, I made a decision. It had been ripening for the last several years. It was not a crisis. Not a trial to become stronger for something. It was not an escape from myself and reality, but rather an attempt to understand what “I” and “reality” were.
In March 2025, I set out for the Arctic, where I was welcomed by a wonderful family of Nenets reindeer herders. Over the course of almost five months, we travelled 730 kilometres by reindeer from the Gulf of Ob to the shores of the Arctic Ocean. To the very edge of the earth. All that time, I recorded the experience of that different life on a video camera and in the notes on my phone.
This film is an experiment in solo cinematography and a desire to share this experience with you. New materials and news will gradually appear on this website. The film is scheduled to be released in 2026.
Fyodor Ovchinnikov